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The Woodshed

Steve Tool Story by posted on February 23, 2012. Filed under Opinion and Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

In The Garden of Eden, Baby
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).

Adam and Eve happily started walking through the garden when THE LORD called out to them,” What do you think we’re doing?”
“We’re enjoying the garden you made for us,” said Adam.
“About that,” said THE LORD. “The garden needs tending.”
“Why? We thought you made the garden for our pleasure.” said Adam and Eve.
“NO. Gardens don’t grow by themselves. Take these hoes, shovels and rakes and get busy. What the hell do you think this is; some kind of paradise?”
The man and woman tended the garden and ate table scraps while THE LORD and his minions enjoyed the fruits of the couple’s labor.
Adam soon had enough. “Goddamnit!” he shouted shaking his fist to the sky. “I scratched my junk again tending blackberries.”
“Quiet,” said Eve, “or you’ll be God damned all right.”
“I don’t care,” said Adam. “No gloves, no clothes, no pay. We’re slaves. We don’t even get to eat off the best tree in the garden.”
“What can we do?” said Eve. You know what He’ll do to us.
“Yeah.”
At that moment a serpent appeared and said, “Quit. That’s what I did.”
“We can’t,” said Adam. “God will send us to hell and we’ll burn forever.”
The snake shook his head and sat the couple down and explained evolution, science and free enterprise. Afterward, they stripped the forbidden tree of its fruit and had a feast. THE LORD missed the couple’s daily offering and took his minions Gabriel and Michael along for intimidation effect. They found Adam and Eve involved in an activity which required no clothing.
“Jesus Christ,” said Adam. “Can we get some privacy?
“Silence!” said THE LORD. I should send you to hell for insubordination.”
“Hit the bricks,” said Adam. “You can’t even make a garden that will tend itself– much less hellfire. We’re quitting and making our own way.”
“You can’t quit, you’re fired!”
“Have it your way,” said Eve as the couple departed for greener pastures.
THE LORD and his henchmen stared at each other.
“What shall we do?” said Michael.
Well,” said THE LORD. “I’m going to see if I can find more morons to take their place. You two pick up those tools and get to work. THIS GODDAMN GARDEN DOESN’T GROW BY ITSELF!”

5 Responses to The Woodshed

  1. Eve Reply

    March 2, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    It didn’t happen that way at all.

    • Steve Tool

      Steve Tool Reply

      March 7, 2012 at 11:38 pm

      Perhaps not, but it makes as much sense.

  2. Lane Johnson Reply

    March 4, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    Mr. Tool,
    If this is the best material you can find to editorialize, it is pretty sad commentary on the state of literary venture for this publication. Please save your idiosyncratic ravings for the tavern.

    • Steve Tool

      Steve Tool Reply

      March 7, 2012 at 11:43 pm

      I feel many things are in a sad state of affairs, including the negative intolerance of fundamentalist Christianity on the American public. The hateful attitude expressed toward anyone not subscribing to christian beliefs, indeed, even to the field of science, is a disgrace to our founding fathers.

  3. Steve Tool

    Steve Tool Reply

    March 7, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    Frankly, I’m always up for religious discussion. I spent a good many years as a born-again-christian. While I do not agree with your beliefs, I certainly respect your right to have them. that is, as long as my rights are not being violated. Incidentally, I appreciate your use of the KJV. I still read it on occasion for its literary beauty.

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