In The Garden of Eden, Baby
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).
Adam and Eve happily started walking through the garden when THE LORD called out to them,â€ What do you think we’re doing?â€
â€œWe’re enjoying the garden you made for us,â€ said Adam.
â€œAbout that,â€ said THE LORD. â€œThe garden needs tending.â€
â€œWhy? We thought you made the garden for our pleasure.â€ said Adam and Eve.
â€œNO. Gardens don’t grow by themselves. Take these hoes, shovels and rakes and get busy. What the hell do you think this is; some kind of paradise?â€
The man and woman tended the garden and ate table scraps while THE LORD and his minions enjoyed the fruits of the couple’s labor.
Adam soon had enough. â€œGoddamnit!â€ he shouted shaking his fist to the sky. â€œI scratched my junk again tending blackberries.â€
â€œQuiet,â€ said Eve, â€œor you’ll be God damned all right.â€
â€œI don’t care,â€ said Adam. â€œNo gloves, no clothes, no pay. We’re slaves. We don’t even get to eat off the best tree in the garden.â€
â€œWhat can we do?â€ said Eve. You know what He’ll do to us.
At that moment a serpent appeared and said, â€œQuit. That’s what I did.â€
â€œWe can’t,â€ said Adam. â€œGod will send us to hell and we’ll burn forever.â€
The snake shook his head and sat the couple down and explained evolution, science and free enterprise. Afterward, they stripped the forbidden tree of its fruit and had a feast. THE LORD missed the couple’s daily offering and took his minions Gabriel and Michael along for intimidation effect. They found Adam and Eve involved in an activity which required no clothing.
â€œJesus Christ,â€ said Adam. â€œCan we get some privacy?
â€œSilence!â€ said THE LORD. I should send you to hell for insubordination.â€
â€œHit the bricks,â€ said Adam. â€œYou can’t even make a garden that will tend itself– much less hellfire. We’re quitting and making our own way.â€
â€œYou can’t quit, you’re fired!â€
â€œHave it your way,â€ said Eve as the couple departed for greener pastures.
THE LORD and his henchmen stared at each other.
â€œWhat shall we do?â€ said Michael.
Well,â€ said THE LORD. â€œI’m going to see if I can find more morons to take their place. You two pick up those tools and get to work. THIS GODDAMN GARDEN DOESN’T GROW BY ITSELF!â€