GOP Candidates are…hahahahaha

Story by posted on December 2, 2011. Filed under Opinion and Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

Drew Kelly

Production Editor


As a voice of reason, and by that I mean a progressive-minded registered voter, I am overwhelmed by the numerous GOP candidates who are running for and think they have a (albeit an ice cube’s chance in hell) at becoming the new Republican presidential nominee and potentially the next President of these Occupied States.

Oh man how the tides turn and the candidates fly past. It’s like they’re the contestants on a reality show, one gets kicked out every so often and a new pretty boy or girl takes the lead.

And like all reality shows, the contestants need to have their “wow factor” or some oddity that makes them unique. Afterall, that’s how they made it on the show while the big man upstairs was wheedling out the nincompoops and the wackjobs (he did do that, right?).

Surely, Michele “I scream louder than Howard Dean” Bachmann, wasn’t actually thinking that she’d win the presidency, right? I mean, shit, that’d be as silly as Sarah Palin thinking that people took her seriously and Joe The Plumber thinking he actually represented the middleclass of America.

This just in, Bachmann is actually still in the race!?

And dear lord, Rick Perry. What can we say about this fellow, hold a Christian prayer rally where non-crazies (ahem), non-fundamentalists weren’t allowed in to the rally, but he still thinks he can win over the rest of the population whom doesn’t hate anyone who isn’t white, straight and boring? Sheeeit son. We already had our idiot president who had been the governor of Texas. Twice. Third time is the… complete failure of modern society as we know it.

And Herman Cain, maybe you thought you were a contender in the GOP strawpoll counts. And maybe you were. Were being the optimum word here. Note to all future presidential candidates, don’t sexually assault everyone in the surrounding five square miles while also conducting a 13-year-long affair and think none of it will come out. Oh right, you’re from the family values party, right?  God only knows what those dirty hippie liberals are up to know if Cain is their moral lighthouse…

Newt Gingrich, you always call yourself the smartest man in the room, but you really aren’t. You’re just the smartest republican in the room. And in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king (K. Vonnegut). But you’re still only half-way there.

And then to the man threat to liberal America, MITT ROMNEY! I almost want to cheer for you man, you’ve been holding your own, not molesting your aides, making crazy proclamations; I mean hell, you got it clinched! Well, except for the fact that you’ve reversed your opinion on nearly everything you’ve ever wanted to stand for. But hell, you might be the next GOP candidate, I mean you got Hawaii’s votes right? I heard they like flip-flops…


One Response to GOP Candidates are…hahahahaha

  1. Michael Reply

    December 6, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Why are you bashing republicans? Take a look in the news, we as a country are doing just as bad or probably worse as we were when Bush was president. In Obama’s defense he did inherit a huge crisis, but all of this change sure feels great he seems to be getting a lot done.. not. So maybe you should have wrote “the democratic candidate is.. hahaha” Quit trying to shift the attention to the flaws of the GOP when the real attention should be how our current policies are failing.

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