The Woodshed (Oct. 27, 2011)

Steve Tool Story by posted on October 28, 2011. Filed under Opinion and Editorials. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

After a hard day’s work my Fred Winebibber and I were knocking back a few beers and watching the Right Reverend Billy Roy Bob’s Hour of Holy Righteousness and Blessed Salvation just for laughs. Billy Roy Bob was in fine fettle as he dished out the usual fire and brimstone.

“Say,” said Fred, “Is Billy Roy Bob the one that had the affair with the prostitute?”

“No, that was Rob Billy Roy,” I replied.

“Is Billy Roy Bob the one that had the Disneyland for Jesus and the old lady that looked like she put on makeup with a backhoe?”

“No goddammit. That was Bob Billy Roy.”

“Oh, I guess this guy’s the one that had the gay affair and the meth habit?”

“No for chrissakes, that was Billy Rob Bob.”

“Well goddammit,” he shouted. “Then who the hell is Rob Roy?”

“How the hell should I know? It’s probably somebody in a book. Who else would have such a ridiculous name?”

We settled back into our chairs and Fred and I snickered as the ushers heaved out the collection tubs in order to gather plunder from the elect.

Billy Roy Bob started to make his pitch. “Dig deep, friends. Everyone knows that everything we have belongs to the Lord.”

Fred and I exchanged a laugh as we sorely doubted the money would be deposited into an account held by Jesus Christ.

Billy must have noticed more than a few in the crowd were withholding their “blessings”.

“C’mon now,” Billy piped up. “I hate to keep harping on it, but everybody knows Jesus talked more about money than anything else.”

“That’s the biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard,” I exploded.

“For a non-believer, you’re a little worked up, aren’t you?” said Fred.

“Aw, even Jesus doesn’t deserve being sold like that.”

We grabbed another couple of beers and it’s a good thing we did. The next act of the show really knocked our socks off.

The multitudes lined up in front of Billy and he proceeded to tap each one on the head. They immediately fainted and fell into the arms of some ushers who laid them on the floor (probably after relieving them of their wallets and purses). I must admit, the stricken looked quite peaceful and refreshed upon regaining consciousness.

Fred was really impressed. “Jesus,” he intoned. “I wish I could do that to my old lady.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“C’mon man, how many times have you come home drunked up from the bar and had to listen to the old lady handing you a ration of crap?” What if you could just tap her on the head when she started in on you and she’d wake up a few minutes later feeling ever so happy and refreshed?”

I admit it; a 10-watt bulb was burning dimly in the back of my head. “By God, Fred, you may have something there.”


“Think of it, man. Do you realize how many problems in our pathetic lives could be solved with a tap on the head?”


“Cranky old lady?”

“Tap’er on the head.”

“Kids won’t go to sleep?”

“Tap’em on the head.”

“Surly bartender?”

“Tap’im on the head—twice!”

“We’ll be rich!” I shouted.

“Rich!” Fred echoed.

After several more beers we had a plan. We quit our jobs and pooling our money together, we followed Billy Roy Bob’s next crusade with his traveling circus—uh, Mobile Salvation Unit.

After we had repented and been baptized 37 times each, we were accounted worthy enough to enter Billy Roy Bob’s presence. He wasn’t too hot about the idea at first, but when we reminded him the tons of money we’d make (which belonged to the Lord) he jumped in feet-first.

We used Billy Roy Bob’s TV show crew to make an infomercial and bought up tons of late-night TV time, and watched the money rollllllllllllll in. Six months later Fred and I were reminiscing while wearing tailored suits and sipping martinis in a penthouse apartment.

“Six months, man. Six months ago we were derelicts that barely had two nickels to rub together. Now look at us. We could bathe in money.”

“Yeah,” said Fred, looking a little nervous. “I wonder what Jesus thinks about it?”

“Well,” I said piously, “Jesus talked more about money than anything else.”

One Response to The Woodshed (Oct. 27, 2011)

  1. Steve Tool

    Steve Tool Reply

    March 7, 2012 at 11:58 pm

    If only everyone thought so!

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